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Just in time for Valentine's Day

Sunday Soul Talk

Last week I met with two of my writer friends to discuss content and some projects that we are going to collaborating on. As we went through brainstorming, I realized something about myself as a writer. I tend to write more on the heavy stuff. The stuff that no one wants to talk about. Just thinking about having to write about something happy, light, and cheery, made my anxiety go through the roof. Can I write about stuff that has brought me joy? Can I share my happy experiences?

When I write these “Sunday Soul Talks”, I typically do them on a whim. I wake on Sunday mornings, grab my coffee and then begin the word flowing process. My topics are typically based off a certain experience that the past week has brought, either myself directly, or someone I know. To challenge myself to dig into a place of uncertainty, I’m going to have to step outside of my comfort zone. Oh hell, here goes nothing...

Just recently, I decided to take the relationship plunge, again...

See, dating life is fun, but with all that said, it’s exhausting. I remember one woman said about her single life journey, “I had to keep a spreadsheet of all the men I was dating because I couldn’t keep track of them all”. I mean WOW. I had zero interest in juggling even five men let alone so many I have to keep a log. Just think of the calendar you would have to maintain. Definitely not my jam. I had narrowed the field down.

It was almost like picking out that perfect avocado, not too ripe but just enough that with some nurturing and it would be simply delicious.

What great men I had to choose from too. They all came with their own charming characteristics. One had great flowing hair and perfect teeth, another was likely the most outgoing person I’d ever met and had a calendar busier than mine, and then there was the super wealthy and he just wanted to throw money at me like it was cheap. While each had their own charismatic ways, it still just didn’t match up. Maybe I wasn’t ready. Maybe I needed to take more time to just be me. Besides, when would I actually have time to be with someone? I was a single, full-time mom and a business woman with a schedule so tight you’d think I’d wrapped Spanx around that shit. Just when I thought, “who needs a partner in life anyways, I have everything I want”, there he was, coming at me with as much driving torque as a Formula 1 car. Oh shit. I’m screwed.

I waited quite some time before announcing that I had finally taken myself off the market. If I told the world that I was in a relationship and it didn’t work out, what would that look like? “Oh there goes Nicole again in another one of her fly by night relationships.” I felt like once I opened the can of worms and they all spewed, I had to keep the social media façade up, life is great, he is amazing, we are perfect. Right. The fact is, it’s not perfect.

We are two individuals who are independent, stubborn as hell and have minds of our own. We don’t agree on everything, but to be honest here, it’s pretty damn close. There are even times I question why the hell I got myself into this in the first place. Relationships are hard work. Did I want to go through this again? Shouldn’t I have learned from all those many failed attempts at pure bliss? But see that’s the thing, you must learn from them. I can genuinely tell you that I have put more effort, more thought, and more care into this relationship than I have any other (sorry guys). I listen to Audible books on how successful relationships work, I use words of affirmation to express appreciation and I openly admit when I am wrong and express deep apologies for such. I have accepted that he is not always going to agree with my thought process and how quickly I take action without much reflection. It’s not successful without effort and at times I question throwing in the towel because it would be so much easier. It would be easier than allowing my vulnerability to show. It would be easier to end something before it got so deep, it could only end in pain, right?

Whether you are in a relationship, dating or free as a bird, one thing is certain, love is one of the most beautiful experiences life has to offer. It is within our nature as human beings to love. It isn’t based on gender, race, or color. If true, it’s unconditional and forgiving. It’s not giving up and pushing through the mess. It’s being brave and allowing yourself to feel emotion again. Love is fighting until your knuckles bleed.

In my recent studies and the multiple couch sessions I’ve had, there are a few take away items on making a successful relationship work. I call these the CCR. No people, not the Creedence Clearwater Revival, though now I’m humming a tune. It’s Communication, Compassion and Respect:

  1. Communication. Without it, you are a sinking ship from the get-go. Be open, honest and unafraid. If you are truly with the right partner, clear dialogue can and will happen without hostility or judgement.

  2. Compassion. As I mentioned, hard work is inevitable, and you need to be able to show compassion and empathy. You and/or your partner may experience the emotional roller coaster that relationships can be. Be a support system with genuine care.

  3. Respect. Do you respect your partner for all that they are, for their nuances, for their time, for their presence in your life, PERIOD?

To conclude, my sole purpose for sharing this with you is to show that regardless, everyone deserves to be loved and to love in return. Once you align your mind, body and soul, and open yourself up to who you truly are, that one person (I refuse to use the word soulmate, I may have just puked in my mouth a little) will bless you with their presence and you will forever be changed.

Live in love my friends. Yours Always ~ Nicole

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