“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.”
― Brené Brown
As I have bluntly eluded to in the title of this piece, I have made it. I followed my heart, chased my dreams and finally, I AM OFFICIALLY A TEXAN! Just in a short ten days, I was offered the job I interviewed for in Dallas, I packed up my entire 1,440 square foot home, wrapped up my kids and relocated 1,111 miles to Allen, TX, an amazing suburb of Dallas. As for today, I am sitting on my new patio in a quaint little apartment complex feeling at home and settled.
That being said, it surely came with bouts of major anxiety, stress and a boat load of pressure. Rewind to the day before the employment offer came in. I sat in bed rocking back and forth in fetal position. My fears had finally gotten the best of me. My financial security net was diminishing. The big whopping $500 that the state of Florida gave me for unemployment barely put food on the table, especially with a 14 year old growing boy in the house. Do I even have to add that teenage boys eat the entire house in one week?! My strength was dwindling and for the first time since being unemployed I was feeling failure. What have I done? I allowed myself to take a break and now I have no idea how to keep a roof over our heads and support my two beautiful children. Tears flowed down my cheeks as my chest tightened and a full force panic attack took over. As my medication kicked in (yes, I have a prescription for bouts of anxiety), I laid to rest praying that everything was going to work out as I had so told myself over the last few weeks.
The following day I allowed myself not to think about the pending job offer. I kept my phone at a distance and rarely checked it. I wasn’t going to consume my mind and soul with the “what ifs”. I knew the best thing to do was to occupy myself and keep busy leaving no room for my mind to take control. Funny how the one day I decide to not worry myself with whether or not a job was coming through was going to be the exact day that I got the offer. What came with the offer was just a whole other bottle of concern. How was I going to financially afford to relocate? I ran the figures down and then ran them again. Over and over I adjusted the expenditures hoping for a better outcome. No luck. Wonderful, here come the tears again. I played the how, when, where game until I was blue in the face with fear. If I couldn’t gather together the funds to move, how was I going to start my dream job, living in my dream city?
Obviously, I made it but it didn’t come without an intense internal struggle and the values I hold for myself. Not only do I consider yours truly a complete independent woman, I solely rely on myself, I also am as stubborn as a mule. I don’t ask for anything from other people. I am the helper, the fixer, not the other way around. My oh so relentless ego wasn’t going to allow for my reputation to be tarnished in any way. I have come this far without help right?! It wasn’t until my Father had me on the phone and it took one sentence to knock me down off the pedestal I was personally standing on. “You need to check yourself kid”, he said. OUCH! If that wasn’t a way to bring me back down to earth. Despite my inner self fighting against the grain, I let down my guard and accepted the aid I needed to make this dream my reality. What followed was truly a miracle. I was offered some financial assistance which made the move possible and gave me some cushion until my first paycheck. I was offered a great deal of help physically moving all my stuff into a truck, from a second story apartment might I add. I was offered the open ear and a shoulder to cry on when the stress of relocating came peeking in. What does all of this mean? When you really need assistance for whatever task you are facing in life, let go of your ego and let people in. You’d be so surprised to find your Tribe of people standing in line gifting you their presence, time and heart to support you.
I get it. It’s difficult to let people help you. The vulnerability creeps in and peeks in the door to your heart. You don’t want anyone to fuss over you and the baggage that comes along with your woes. With that said, there are people placed in your life for reasons. Good people, strong valued people, will be there for you regardless. They will be there to help you. Beautiful friends and family don’t just love you at your best, but they love you even in your mess. If there is anything you can take away from this message, it is this; don’t be to prideful or afraid to seek aid. Your people are there for you. Once you allow yourself to show your cards, a full house just may appear in your hand.
Be strong my friends. Go chase your dreams and don’t give up. As one of my favorite childhood cartoon characters would say, “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can”. Now change that to, “I will”.
I wish you all a blessed week from the beautiful state of Texas!
With Love – Nicole
P.S. Please know that I am not just some woman sitting behind a computer screen. If at anytime, any of you need an open ear, someone to listen and/or guide, I’m here for you. Let us all be there for one another as we embrace and lift each other through this sticky thing we call life. <3